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| i've decided to put a picture of riley on here because he's so fucking cute.
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| as before. everything is awesome. got a new boyfriend. going back to school. got a new nephew.. yep, yep. :]
ps: i hate not being able to eat the foods i love. :[ | | |
| helllloooooo;
things are much better. i'm over everything, everything is good. i got people to talk to. i'm trying to get a job. i'm going back to school. i think soon, everything will be back on track.
i still have my slumps, but in a whole, i'm pretty fucking excited about everything going back to normal. to be "normal". getting a job and going back to school = new friends (which i desperatly need.)
uh, jenn's baby shower is on sunday. erin and matt are comming up on saturday. oh the joy, haha. me and mother have to go to babys r us and get the pack 'n play off the registry and a couple other things, along with a book for their stupid "baby libraby". it's exciting though, all my family will be there, along with meeting some of jenn's family. there will be LOTS of food. yay.
that's about it, aside from the normal things. i think i'll go now. have a loverly dayyyyyyyyyyyy my oh myyyyyyyyy. | | |
| blah. hi. the only time i ever write in here is when i'm having a bad time. haha. that's what blogs are for, right?
well, hmm.. boys, boys, boys. i'd love to live without them, but i can't. so here's my situation:
we all know kierre likes me. idk what to do about that. i don't think he'd be a good boyfriend. he thinks we're going to go out sometime in the near future. i don't know where me and jason stand. i talked to him a few nights ago all night 'til 7 am and then he hung up on me. i think 'cause he heard me tell my dad i want to go with him. so.. we haven't talked since then. our convo wasn't anything special anyway. i don't know how he feels about me. i think he still gets jealous. i have a little convo me, chan, and laura had in my profile and jason says "when did you talk to chan?" and i was away and he said "well you and him can go suck eachother off" "later". wtf? grr. now kierre is asking me about him. i can't get a break. i don't want a boyfriend right now. i want to be alone. laura is convinced that me and chan have a thing. sure, chan might like me. i don't think i like him. i think he's just a nice guy and i need that.. so it's comforting. blarg. i don't want to love anyone. i still have feelings for jason and i don't want there to be. any before i even start to like ANYONE i need to know that me and jason will never be again. ^-^ sigh.
so my dad is living here on the weekends. i don't know how that will turn out. my mom and him always get in at least one fight every time. idk.. no opinion on that one.
i just cleaned out my turtles cage and now i'm all gross and my mom is brining home kfc in a couple minutes. i need to jump in the shower. gah..
it's raining out. it's nice. i like it. gr.. i'm gonna go get cleaned up. :{ | | |
| yeah, well. hi. yesterday sucked ass to no end.
i got up, did some stuff around the house and got on the computer. guess who signs on? none other than jason. so we were in the azn chat and he's like "i found something out about you Jess.." and i'm like "what's that?" and he's like "you tell everything to everyone"
so it turns out he's mad at me for telling some people (hillaire, laura, and one thing to sandy) about our problems and what was going on. he's mad that people online were using his smoking pot against him. i know that sandy told him that she knew. so he was pissed. i can understand him being mad.. but not as mad and mean as he was towards me. i left the chat because i didn't wanna argue or get upset so he IM's me and says "don't expect me to call you" and i was like "i kinda wasn't. you haven't been wanting to talk to me lately anyway." and he's like "not really." which i don't get what that means.. but anyway. i asked him to explain to me why he's so angry about it and he tells me i can't keep my mouth shut. i tell everyone everything when we have problems and it's my fault and i'm scared. and i'm like.. when we have problems i DO get scared and i need to talk to someone. i need to vent. that's how i am. and he just goes on about it and it starts into he's calling me a stupid bitch and telling me to get over it. and i'm like.. i'm not the one that needs to get over it. if you were over it, you wouldn't still be acting like an ass towards me. and he laughs and tells me "i'm done with you" and i'm like.. meaning what? and he's just like "you=nothing to me" and i already had him say this to me last time.. so it wasn't that big of a deal.. but then he says "the cheap phone sex" i'm like.. wtf. i didn't say it to him but why would he say that to me? is he trying to make me cry? if he wants to get personal that's too far. i mean, i don't go around having phone sex with anyone else.. it's that personal. god damn. and so idk what we said but he blocked me then signed off. and i was crying out of control. i didn't know what to do. he hurt me really bad. so i texted hillaire and was like "call me as soon as you can" and she called me and we talked.. things got better. she told me that she thinks he has a mental probelm, seriously.. and that when e gets mad or upset, he has to make other people feel like shit. i think so too. i think that before he was smoking pot, he had like.. bipolar or something and now that he has started smoking, it's taken it to a whole new level. out of control. there are times when he's the sweetest thing to me and times when he's the biggest asshole i've ever met. he makes me happier than anyone ever and hurt more than anything. hillaire reminded me that when we were all best friends, he was nice to us, but we'd hear him talk to other people and he was just as mean to them as he is to us now. ugh. i think he asked me back out again last week because things were going really well. and then when things weren't going as good when he asked me back out, he got scared or something. i felt like the past week that he hasn't really been wanting to talk to me anyway. i should have told him when he asked me out to wait a couple more weeks and see how things are.. but i never would have thought of that then. heh. so there are hours when i'm fine with maybe never talking to him again and times when i'm histerical and out of control crying because i may never talk to him again. i can't remember not having a boy that i love in my life within the last 2 or 3 years. before that i was just a mess.. emo and things. i'm afraid that if i don't have someone to care for me i'll go back to the way i was.. i had the biggest urge to hurt myself last night but i controled it. it's a stupid thing to do and i realize that.
so i don't know if i'm ever going to talk to him again. i know i should stay away from him but i can't. i still love him regaurdless of the things he does to me. how stupid am i? i just remember when things were perfect between us. i also remember when he wanted to kill chad for treating me so horrible. now.. he's doing the same thing. i told my mom all about it and she said if he ever calls again, she's going to answer and remind him of that.. heh. that's the last thing i want. my mom bitching at him. he said i tell everyone everything and that i tell my mom nothing.. if i tell my mom nothing, how could she know about my problems? he calls me a liar. he calls me a stupid bitch. eh. i don't know what to do. the best thing is to forget about him but it's way easier said than done. i can't. i guess if he ever calls again, i'll be careful. i'll still be mad at him and he'll know it. i don't know if i can ever forgive him. god, we only lasted a week and a half this time. :{ ugh.
i can't watch most shows or listen to most music without feeling said 'cause i've watched it or listened to it with jason. i'm so pathetic.
i'm gonna go watch tv and get some ice cream or something. bye. | | |
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